The Meaning of a Metaphorical Life of Inductive Thoughts Understood Through Identity (Religion) and Memory (History): Uncensored Edition

Collaborated by Ame Ai and God ("The author and finisher of our faith" Hebrew 12:2)

Second/Third Grade

I cannot remember much from second grade besides the fact that my original teacher left us to become a principal and the substitute teacher became our permanent teacher. I also remember that it was a good year. There are two people I remember from third grade: a girl who become class president in elementary school and  an Asian girl who dyed her hair reddish in high school and ended up selling cutlery after high school. There was also a girl and her sister who I didn’t know until high school. They happened to go to my church, but I didn’t realize that they was in my elementary school when I was in third grade.

Girl Scouts

Girl Scouts of the United States of America

I gave a very long speech about Juliette Gordon Low, the founder of the Girl Scouts of America. I do not ever remember working on a speech as diligently as I did with this speech. I never believed that I really went camping because I didn’t experience the traditional Boy Scout ideal of survival in the wilderness even though I have gone to so-called camps. I went to one camp with my elementary school class called Camp Klemock, a camp that had a thing called a zip wire, but most of the times I went to camping trips with the Girl Scouts. Most of our “camping” experiences were lame, as they were in the backyard of my aunt’s house, so that my aunt could make sure that we would not get into too much trouble. I also remember having flag ceremonies. It was an honor for me to carry the flag that I could hardly lift, as if I were an altar boy.

Learning About Art

I enjoyed when the art teacher would come to visit the class. We had lots of fun with paint and clay and with that we would create ceramic pottery. For example, I would make a mug with a dragon’s neck as the handle. I remember that Mom came to class one day, and I painted an impressionist painting with tempura (or acrylic) paint. I wanted to do something that has never been done before so I painted an impressionist lightning bolt striking a ship. I knew enough about art to include the reflection of the ship in the water, and I remembered feeling somehow more advanced than my peers because of that. This proved how I was unique at a young age.

Learning About Language

I read many books. One day, right before naptime, I remembered that someone told me to guess at the pronunciation of a term I did not know before asking someone how to pronounce it. I tried this, and I pronounced many new terms perfectly because I knew enough about the English language to understand English pronunciation. When I was young, I used to have a big head because I knew many English terms before many people did. When I was on the playground, I remember looking over an Onyx girl’s shoulder whose name was Mandy Reuter, who happened to be in my Girl Scout troop. I said that I could spell all the vocabulary terms that were in her textbook. She was in sixth grade, and I was quite a few grades below her. She got annoyed and asked me if I could spell “Mediterranean.” I was dumbfounded and had absolutely no idea how to spell it.

Learning About Pressure

I took ballet from when I was age four until I was age eight. I did not enjoy it that much. The last day I was holding back tears because I no longer wanted to attend ballet. Mom said that she has since felt guilty about it. The experience is always with me, how I felt that I had to do things to please my parents, and how it made me so unhappy. Later, Dad would accuse me of being a quitter, citing ballet as an instance.

Pioneer Day

We had a few days at the end of the school year in which the class would have a historical, educational experience. Pioneer Day was the only one I can vaguely remember. I remember that we would dress up in old clothing in order to enhance the experience. That day I learned how to make candles by dipping them in candle wax, and I learned how to make snickerdoodle cookies. I also played with a hoop and a stick, which was not all that fun.

Learning More About Discrimination

The last experience I did not actually remember, but it had been told to me several times. One day in third grade, I told Mom that someone said the “f” word. She was thinking, “Oh my God!” I continued with my story, and I told her that some boy called a girl “fat.” (I always used the word “circles” instead.) She was much relieved.


First Grade

Insight Into Who I Am

I had five phrases that I said regularly at this age: “I don’t want to,” (though I always did what I was told), “Tell me when I came” (to hear a substitution birth story), “So what?,” “What now?” (indicating that I was waiting for orders), and “What’s so bad?” (used for various reasons).

Geoffrey Chaucer Elementary School (GCES) Classmates and Teachers

There were a few children I still remember from elementary school. There was a tomboy, a girl whose mother put her hair into braids, and a boy who had 11 brothers and sisters. Other than that it’s pretty fuzzy.

Learning About Boys (Continued)

Michael White was my crush from 1st to 4th grade. Later on he was well-known in high school and eventually became class president. The first time I learned that guys pick on girls they like is when Scotty Ledger hit me on the head with a textbook. He was reprimanded by his parents after I told my parents and they passed on the news.

Developing a Role Model Archetype

Another thing that happened around now was that by at least the age of six (I know because it is captured on film for Christmas 1989), I had already established the Venus/Aphrodite archetype in my mind (I had the Britney Spears complex). The 1980’s made sex seem so awesome. I was fascinated with cleavage, and I think many children are. I did not understand anything about propriety. In first grade a woman in the childcare program called Mom because two older boys told me to lift up my skirt, and I did. Once in the grocery store, I was playing hide and seek. I lifted my Mom’s dress as high as I could and hid underneath saying, “I bet you can’t find me.” Mom told me, embarrassed, to get out from under there. One thing I always wanted as a child was to be sexy for some reason. I never saw discrimination against sex idols, so therefore all I saw was the image of a strong and powerful woman. I naïvely wanted that power. I can still remember all this because during my depression in high school, I was still young enough in age to remember, and I vowed to remember at least until I could write my feelings on paper.

Learning About Conforming, Bullying, and Discrimination

When I was very young, like five, I was very carefree. I suppose that is my natural way of being, but then society imposed rules on me, and for the rest of my childhood I was mostly uptight and unhappy. I spent kindergarten with my best friend Anna Kite because it was closer to where my mom worked. That was the first mistake my parents made. When first grade rolled around, my parents decided to move me to a school closer to where we lived. Children had made friends and had developed cliques. I was already an outsider. As a child I thought everyone loved everyone else, and that there was no division of people at all. I entered school, and that was the first thing I was faced with; the bullies were against me because I was the new kid. Because I was often the person being bullied and because no one else was brave enough to stand up for me, I was often left alone. It was not my high school experiences that most disturbed me. I was most disturbed by this elementary school experience. Ever since, kids in my elementary school would rarely befriend me, and once you start a habit of not befriending people you never break it, and you will never find out if maybe the person you do not befriend could have been the best friend you ever would have had. Even in high school no one from my elementary school ever dared to befriend me. Perhaps they were too afraid of being bullied too. My God! I was an outcast because of habits that cannot be broken!

I remember having three friends in first grade. It is with Marseilles Copain that I first began to create secret codes. My code name was A**-*-E (not using actual morse code).

Then there was Shama Songh who was Indian. She was teased because of her heavy weight (she was nicknamed Shamu after the whale) and because her Indian diet, which caused her to smell funny. I was friends with another Indian girl too, but she was not heavy. Weight was an easy thing to target. The physical education teacher was made fun of because of weight. She eventually dieted and lost weight. I befriended Shama and brought her home so that Dad could perform magic tricks for her. When she got older we would go to therapy together to see a counselor who we called Mrs. Hamburger because her name ended in “berger” though I do not remember why I was there.  She developed a bad habit of exaggerating the truth. I remember someone saying that she complained about hurting her leg, though the leg she limped with changed throughout the day. Later on I was proud of her because in high school she had made Indian friends, and I could see that she had become empowered.

After I learned about weight discrimination I learned about interracial couples. My first grade teacher, Mrs. Jay, left the year after I was in first grade. She married a basketball player. He came to visit the class. I remember seeing him have to bend down to enter the classroom. That was the first interracial couple I ever saw, but I did not know that it was a big topic or issue at the time.

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Learning About Friendship

I met my best friend, Anna Kite, because her mother Mrs. Kite was friends with Mom. Mrs. Kite would use pet names such as “booger” and other endearing terms. Many summers were spent at Ocean City with Anna ever since I was a baby. I was told that when I was a baby I was so tired that I fell asleep with my face in my bowl of oatmeal one summer. I remember the boardwalk because there was a space on Monopoly called the boardwalk. Anna and I were very creative, and I remember once that we wrapped towels around our heads and pretended that we were fortune tellers. Grandma and I would play War, a card game, on the porch. One summer I tried to dive backwards in a cannonball position but fell down too close to the side of the pool and hit my teeth against the ladder.  Brushing my teeth that summer was a very painful activity. I always wore a one-piece swimsuit because I was both too modest and too fat.  I had only worn a two-piece once but it was when I was young, fat, and the swimsuit itself was ugly as shit. When I looked out the window I thought of Dover Beach. The ocean is exciting, but ocean stories can bore me between just description and imagery; Dover Beach was an exception.

Learning About Adoption

Anna was in PM kindergarten under Mrs. Giant, and I was in PM kindergarten with Mrs. Fitch. I remember that my kindergarten teacher had adopted a Korean child just like my parents. I cannot recall when I was first told that I was adopted.

Learning about Boys

John Hodge was a crush Anna and I had; we’d yell things out the bus and he’d stick out his tongue.

Mimi Fawcett

Mimi Fawcett, our babysitter, was the only person I knew who still played LP’s in the late ’80s. She was short, but I never noticed as a child. Her husband, Bill, worked at CENTRA Technology. I was Grandma Catherine’s (Mrs. Fawcett’s mom’s) favorite because I treated her as I would anyone, as someone to talk to about anything at all. I remember many things. I remember once peeing on the carpet at Mrs. Fawcett’s house. I remember being stabbed with a sharpened pencil at her house. I remember walking back from school to the babysitter’s.  An older girl had told us that she could tell the time by looking at the sun, and I fully believed her. My fascination with skateboarding and waterbeds stemmed from the fact that her son, Robert, would never let us kids touch his skateboard or waterbed. Mimi Fawcett was a Christian woman. It genuinely tortured me to know that my family did not say grace before dinner for I believed their souls to be damned.

Learning About Race

When I was about four or five years old, I distinctly remember seeing an Onyx person for the first time in my life at Mimi Fawcett’s house. All I can remember saying to her was, “you’re drawing outside the lines,” because I was a perfectionist

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